Fri 18 May 2007
What In the World is Going On With MEN? Part One
Posted by gar_dien under Articles , Self-Help , Sociology , Spirituality
What in the world is going on with MEN? I get this question periodically from both men and women, who are trying to gain understanding concerning the struggle that men face. Just recently, a leader of a men’s group asked what my thoughts were on this subject. Then this morning, I read through Phil Cooke’s blog site (like I do almost every day) and there was a post raising the question about what is going on with Baptist Ministers and Christian leaders who are having clashes with the authorities, being exposed for unethical activities and in some cases being killed by their spouses for various reasons.
What in the world is going on with MEN? I know women are struggling in life as well and I do not want to minimize this fact, however there is something going on with men, that doesn’t seem to be often talked about; and when it is, somehow the discussion doesn’t seem to last very long.
Let me say here, that not every man faces the same exact issues and not every man is as bad off as another, but every man struggles in some way and I have begun to organize my thoughts based on my own experience and observations. This post is still somewhat raw and may even be further refined, but I felt it necessary to make it live now vs. later because of the increase of questions. So if you are a man and are reading this, some of these things may pertain to you and others may not. And if you are a woman, I know that you will often see things that us men do not. So, both men and women feel free to share your thoughts at the end of this post.
Here’s what I know:
1. Society, in general, teaches men to “go it alone.” We are loners, isolated like Batman or Superman, maybe occasionally seeking help. A sign of “manhood” is being able to take care of ourselves - even if we are hurt and in need of serious treatment. We’ve been taught to say, “No, I’m fine.” We’ve been told, “Be a man and suck up those tears.” “Boys don’t cry.”
2. In general, men, unlike women, do not have a genuine, natural support structure. Yes, we can come together and talk about sports, weather, movies etc… but it is very difficult to talk about what truly matters at the deepest part of who we are. So what do we do when we encounter real struggles? We stuff them down and try to cover things up. To talk about them is typically looked at as being weak - and trust that no man wants to be weak. (I know I don’t!) But maybe we need to take a look and redefine what strength and weakness means…
3. Our media-driven culture overstimulates us with sexual imagery (we’re already visually oriented) which makes it increasingly difficult to stay faithful to our wives, because we are often led astray by our own lusts and desires that are not in line with God’s purpose for our lives.
4. It is easy, in a busy society, to cover our struggles with a “mask,” giving the appearance that all is well when in fact, all may be terrible.
This may sound over-dramatic, but I believe this to be true: the global male species of humanity is facing a spiritual, psychological and physical pandemic. In every cultural society on the planet we are seeing similar issues being encountered. It doesn’t matter whether the culture is secular or religious. Whether you believe in a spiritual reality or not I believe Satan has declared an all out attack on men to destroy our lives, families and those who are influenced by our decisions. This attack is intensified toward Christian leaders because if we fall, those who are influenced by our lives to follow Christ may very well fall away; not to mention that the Church’s credibility with the world is diminished.
Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that we can blame everything on the devil, because there are very real and deliberate decisions that we, as men, are making - decisions that are bringing consequences of death. So we must both own up to our actions as well as realize that evil exists in the world and seeks our destruction.
What are some things we need to do? Life’s example shows us that there is strength in unity. Men need to come together to assist one another as well as hold each other accountable for their actions. If men can get together and one person begins to open up and be real, from their heart about their struggles and victories - other men will begin to do so as well. Then we will discover that we are not alone in our struggles and can begin to move along the path towards wholeness. Even more so, we begin to realize that God is with us to help us, if we allow Him to do so.
We are dealing with some real issues and one example of real transparency was when Kirk Franklin got on the Oprah Winfrey show and talked about his struggle with pornography addiction. Most men act like this isn’t an issue and most women accept that this is just the way men are. But look at the undercover news exclusives where men with this addiction are trapped on national television - exposing for us all to see that there is something serious, almost invisible and intangible going on in the lives of men. But, Kirk not only talked about his addiction, he also talked about the power of God that set him free.
When will we be open about wanting deliverance? When will we be able to deal with the issue of what it truly means to be a man? What in the world is going on with Men?
Let me know what you think.
Allen Paul Weaver III
May 3rd, 2007 at 7:47 am
Wow. First, thank you for sharing. Second, I will pray to the Father on the behalf of Men. What we sometimes fail to realize is that when men have problems/issues/stuggles that it deeply affects our families. We (our generation and younger) need to begin thinking about raising boys (into men) in such a way that they can feel comfortable being transparent…otherwise boys grow into men racked with hidden shame, fear, guilt and the like, which has to (and has as we see in society) rear its head at some point in some way. We want to bring issues to the light in the light, as opposed to allow them to fester in darkness and yield destructive results.
May 3rd, 2007 at 10:16 am
Hi Allen,
This is a very real and sensitive discussion, i only hope and pray that those who read it will truly desire an open discussion regarding the issues that men face and also realize that talking about them can and will make a difference.
I think one of the problems is that we don\’t have the support group as you spoke about. There are pockets of men who can and do have open dialogue. Although we talk we never really explore. Most men myself included speak on things only marginally, we never explore the real depths of why we feel weak if for instance, our women pay our way? or why we can\’t express our emotions regarding something another person has said or did to us. Most of the time it comes from even the baptist pulpits, men should be a certain way. Leading, Strong, finacially secure, non-emotional, etc. etc. We should be secure but in Christ not our income and yes we should be in control of our emotions not Frozen. Often and not often enough we as men let the oppotunity to release pass us by. Physics teaches that built up pressure must be released, unfortunatly in the male species, its through angry or some form of self destructive hostile action that unfortunately reflects negatively on the male as a whole. Simply put, we Don\’t Trust anyone to talk to. Our relationships have to go beyond you wash my face I\’ll wash your feet relationships.
Only a small group of men really release themselves to open dialogue about themselves. Most men in Leadership position only share with those they trust and its a very intimate circle of one or two. They by way of society\’s idealistic nature can\’t be seen weak in the eyes of others. That\’s the Presidential issue even now. Not to mention the Fear in the spiritual sense of those who lead nations of people and are concerned about their image.
LW.
May 3rd, 2007 at 12:47 pm
Allen,
Great, great commentary on this. The answer, or correspondence to adequately address all you cover…would take a book. Or ten. I agree with you, wholeheartedly.
No single answer, but man\’s lack of real dependency on God is at the core I believe. From that come:
- Responsibility to love their wives and children as \’Christ Love the Church\’
- Priority on relationships and servitude to God instead of work, which is money and status…which is self image in our society
- Community, which is unity, accountability, and NOT the go-it-alone ideal
I\’d like to see respect given back to the \’Knights of the Round Table\’ or \’3 Muskateers\’ type aspect of manhood. Where the core was service to the king through the strength of brotherhood.
One key I believe in…and this would be scoffed at by society at large…is men disconnecting from the media. Because…the media glorifies work, money, status thereof, and as you said, sex. This spearheads men\’s primary motivation.
As Donna said though, a great place to start is with boys, led by their fathers. But boys these days are raised in school and sports and the father is absent primarily. He\’s at work making money so a house that\’s too big and a car that\’s too nice can be afforded.
May 3rd, 2007 at 9:40 pm
There is something to be said about over exposure to Media, especially for males.
I also wonder why it is that less men are going to college? Why is it necessary for men to feel superior in order for them to feel secure?
I am more confident in male survival, but only because there is a diversity of men.
Certain types/models seem outdated, and that’s ok. Personally I wonder if males are displaced because women are achieving.
We’ll see.
May 3rd, 2007 at 10:05 pm
Thank you all for being candid and honest in your response. Truly the issue is more far reaching than we can see with the naked eye. Yes, the violent outbursts we witness in the media and by other means are only symptoms of a much larger problem… or series of problems. As Kevin pointed out, aspects of the male dilemma has to do with the proportion of our independence from God. As John Eldredge says in The Way of the Wild Heart, \”We aren\’t meant to figure life out on our own. God wants to father us. The truth is, he has been fathering us for a long time- we just haven\’t had the eyes to see it. He wants to father us much more intimately, but we have to be in a posture to receive it.\” (p.9) Look at every young man who has taken their rage out on others during school shootings and other examples. Practically every one felt isolated, alone, on their own, misunderstood, unappreciated… And many times, no one had any idea what was going on in their lives. What about our boys? Donna raises a critical issue of who is affected by men not being in their right frame of mind, body and spirit. Who will raise them? Bassman raises the issue of the internal pressure building up - which leads to an explosion which we all suffer from. How do we help to release the pressure? And how do we move from \”talking\” to truly exploring the depths of what\’s going on in our hearts? How do we even begin talking? And why do men have to feel superior in order to feel secure? Once again, how do we define masculinity and strength and weakness? Disconnecting from the media… are we \”man\” enough to do that? Can we bring a different pair of eyes to what we watch and deconstruct the messages that our popular culture tells us is \”right?\” And what about the men who are controlling the media, telling the masses that men are only men when they demonstrate their sexual prowness, can take pain without crying and never get afraid? I wonder what kind of insecurities they\’re secretly facing?
May 4th, 2007 at 12:24 am
I think the roles for men need to be redefined in this culture. Today I see more young boys being brought up by single mothers or extended families and are often looking to their peers or the media for examples of male role models.
These boys begin to take on these roles because they are exposed to these images the majority of the time. The idea of a man being a positive male role model, being sensitive and transparent seems foreign to them as they dismiss it as being “soft” while the images of men disrespecting women, getting into trouble, falling into violence and unhealthy relationships dominate our culture and their way of thinking, thus shapes their identity as what a man should be. In the meantime, the rage, hurt, and life’s dilemma’s are stored up in them and they choose to release these issues in ways that not only are unhealthy to them but to possibly those who are around them.
As these young boys grow older, they become men who don’t know how to convey their feelings in positive ways. Their only identity of being a man is what they have been exposed to on a constant basis. Without men who are willing to be transparent and share their feelings and be confident they are not losing their masculinity, these boys will continue to grow into men who are insecure of themselves and their identity as to who a real man really is.
May 5th, 2007 at 9:22 am
How provocative are your thoughts about the plight of men in the world; although I share your sentiments, I am not as pessimistic about the plight of men as you are. I believe most of our problems are spiritual and because we deny that repeatedly, we tend to suffer the consequences.
Our plight today is no worse than it was fifty or one hundred years ago. Media attention gives us the impression that it is worse; however, what the media does not expose is our lack of spirituality. Man, ultimately is a spiritual being, made in the image and likeness of God; when he denies that image, he opens himself up to negative impluses and reactions.
I am of the opinon that Christian men will have to become more forceful and visible in our society. Yes, we struggle with all that society struggles with, but we have a source of power that society does not have. When we learn to tap into that source of power we will be able to better guide our young boys and young men.
I’ve noticed the media, in recent years, especially through its commericals, downplays the importance of men, protraying them as dumb and not as efficient as women. These images imprint themselves upon our boys and they grow up with inferior complexes.
I’m not saying that this is a man’s world; but what I am saying is that men ought to be strong, ought to know where they are going, and ought to know how to get there. Rather than depict the man as an imbecile, we ought to make sure that the media depicts the strong side of men.
The demise of men in our society foretells of the demise of our society. This is not a sexist statement. Let me defend my position. I do not believe that we have to tear down women to build ourselves up and women do not have to tear down men in order to buid themselves up. I believe this is happening today, especially when you view how men are viewed in the media. However, I believe that God made man, the crowning work of His glory and gave to man the authority to be His representative here on earth. Man has abdicated this responsibility, therefore you see this rapid decay in our society.
When we come back to our roots, of knowing God and serving God and walking in the paths God directs, then we will once again know the power of manhood. Unless this happens we will continue down the path to self-destruction.
Thanks for engaging us in this discussion. I sure hope that it goes somewhere, not just allowing a few people to blow off steam, but to encouarge us to take the area where we are and make a difference in the world.
May 6th, 2007 at 11:24 pm
Hi Allen,
Globally, men have freedom to do as they please, with some exceptions.
What does “one” do with all this freedom ( gender-based)? Well, one outcome is to turn away from consequences and responsibility; and the other is to rebel against the very concept of ” submission”.
Submission takes self-control– a whole lot of self-control. Boundless freedom opposes self-control. Therefore, men appear to have a very hard time submitting to Christ or His church. Men run away from submission to Christ very fast. They run faster than they ran away from child-support ( until the laws were made to catch up with them).
How do we get our men to submit to their Best and Heavenly Father/Mother/All? He who can heal their pain and anxieties about anything they are really experiencing or can imagine.